I’ve always sucked at love.

My Background:

Ever since I was a young teen, I didn’t fit the conventional beauty standards or gender expectations of the society I grew up in—and because of that, people rarely showed interest in me. I was described as “hard to talk to” by others during my teenage years, because I didn’t fit the mold society wanted to force me into.

Despite my efforts to try to show interest in people in the nicest way possible, I wasn’t even met with rejection, which I could plausibly accept and respect (I’m no incel), I was just ignored and met with utmost silence, without any sign of being acknowledged by the person I was interested in.

And when being acknowledged or found out by others when having romantic interest in others, every attempt at getting close to someone was met with overbearing levels of laughter, ridicule, and shame from others for getting attached to said someone in the first place by my then peers, and my own teachers in the high school setting I was raised in until age 17. I was deeply unpleasant to the eye of the beholders, despite people gaslighting me about my appearance, and there was little to anything I could do about it.

But no matter what happened in this society I was raised in, a part of me always yearned, yearned for someone I could be vulnerable with and share these feelings of love, devotion, and affection I was keeping hidden from within me; I was hiding and didn’t know how to display them properly without other people being absolutely perturbed by them. Always being utterly ridiculed by society in every step of the way by the choices of people I was gravitating towards, which funnily enough still applies to this very day as an adult. Always being talked down by my peers that what I was feeling wasn’t “real love”, that I’m not doing or pursuing “the right thing”. Watching my connections being dehumanized for the hell of it, as it didn’t match the status quo people were expecting from me.

When I was a teenager, the excuse was that I was still ‘naive’ enough to form a relationship with someone or that I didn’t get the chance because their parents didn’t get along with their parents or that they “behaved in a slutty manner”. As an adult it manifests itself as me not wanting full-on sex to happen with me and my S/O, and deranged levels of bigotry and transphobia despite me supposedly having all the freedom to choose whoever the fuck I want to be and establish a relationship with, you somehow need approval from others in order for it to come to fruition, else you’re confused and mentally ill to the bigoted.

Internalizing that the people I was attracted to were “too pretty for me”, not even that they were “out of my league”, that I was automatically disqualified from getting a relationship just for being myself. Truly an experience I wouldn’t wish anybody to go through during their foundational years of life, but that is sadly unavoidable and also laughed at in conservative circles due to the nature of immature and bigoted beings that consider it a non-problem in their child’s life, thinking its something they have to shallow and suck it up as that’s how people sadly work, and even though they may be right, camouflaging and transforming yourself into the behavior that toxic society encourages is never the answer to make a child understand that’s how people operate in a deeper more evil level. You can show them how it feels, but never become part of it.

But back to the present, I still suck at love either way because of the physical distance that presents itself with other people or the way I show love to others is an ever changing journey full of pitfalls and constant changes in how attach to people that I hold close and dear to me, which there aren’t that many of, but when conflicting souls merge, I’m tasked with undertaking tough choices as to how I display love to others.

Empathy:

I suck at love because I fail to read the other persons mind, as much as id like to call myself an empath, there’s seemingly one thing I’m missing and can’t discern because of lack of communication from the other party, which is why I appreciate the very few people that truly speak their mind to me and allow me to properly connect with them in a way we are both understanding of each other perspectives. I really appreciate those rare individuals, which there aren’t that many of, and those who know who they are can truly relate to what I mean.

Love has never been a stable journey for me and it will most likely never be. It’s something that I’ve been seemingly cursed with the relationships I’ve established with people over the years, despite the many lessons those have given me in my formation as a human being. That’s the reason why as an adult, if I were to label myself with the constructs that are available to me, I’d consider myself someone demiromantic/demisexual. I can’t simply show attraction, romantic feelings and affection unless I establish an emotional and deep connection with someone I hold close and dear to, I will never understand people that go on dating apps and develop romantic feelings purely based on someones appearance in an spontaneous matter, even though that plays a role in how I develop attraction to people, its oftentimes than not after I get to be in a deeper connection with someone I hold dear to, that it simply becomes an afterthought for me.

I firmly believe that love can spring up in others close to you by many actions and empathetic activities that you share with your significant other provided boundaries are met and agreed upon on with any parties you may be dealing with. But said love can be hard to express for empaths like us. Either because of trust issues or because of external factors that difficult a formal relationship with someone you may already be interacting at a relationship level with, just without the responsibility of bearing a label to publicly announce to the world, a label that is vulnerable and close to collapse at any given moment due to internal conflicts of one self that can either be in ones firm control or out of their control or reach.

I’m convinced that is the one and only way love can truly last forever in this day and age where people are destined to harm you or find any deficiencies with you and call it a day ignoring the fact you could work on things together as a couple. I am willing to bend all of that by simply not confirming to any societal norms that conform a relationship and simply to commit to the care that those close to me absolutely deserve in every step of their lives. Focusing on that everlasting act of constant and genuine reciprocation allows me to keep going for a indefinite period of time and not holding yourself to overarching standards where if not met, could jeopardize the relationship at any given moment, like a ticking time bomb ready to snap and explode out of control, where you are left with the dust that once was and you were so hopeful with keeping. Deceiving people is part of abuse and never leads anywhere productive whatsoever, I figure that may be common sense but sadly for many people I’ve met that hasn’t been the case.

Connection:

With those dear to me, every dumb heart emoji, every bit of affection and devotion comes from within myself, every act of care comes from the bottom of my heart and they get to enjoy a very caring person that guides them through every walk of life that they experience. Once that status is held, I would argue it has the potential to last longer than a committed relationship because it is truly unconditional, the condition and pressure of being in a committed setting is suddenly gone, and true love can flourish from within, hell, even married couples forget about their status at times and dedicate their heart and soul to truly care for the person they love. The marriage becomes an afterthought and an event that happened in the past and has no direct impact on the present unless threatened with harm and/or abuse. There’s a consistent detachment you can suddenly do when you remove the pressure labels give you and you focus on truly loving and caring someone, without succumbing to the ego by giving it a trophy it can triumph itself on.

I’ve been on 2 committed relationships over the course of my 22 years of existence, but it doesn’t include the many friends with benefits situations I got to label that fit this criteria of care and affection. Ranging from blissful experiences of mutual connection all the way to nothing-burgers that were only there to kill time and simply hold no emotional value to the other party, despite mutual feelings of affection being reached.

Where I felt I was being used just for the hell of it.

This disparity is what leads my trust issues into relationships in general, and my struggle to connect and attach no labels to others so I can “escape from responsibility” and protect myself as a mechanism to avoid pain and hurt when the moment comes to say goodbye, people don’t last forever after all, make the most out of your loved ones when they are alive and next to you, life can truly be so volatile where tomorrow they mightn’t wake up and be there for you or themselves. Cherish your close ones, they deserve it, they’ve given so much to you, the bare minimum that’s asked is for that to be reciprocated and stick by their side no matter what misfortune happens.

Every action should matter in this, every word should be upheld with the highest amount of respect possible for your S/O. Relationships shouldn’t be used for constant hits of dopamine, despite said hits coming with the responsibility of said connection, it just shouldn’t be the main reason why you should be in one, focus on the person itself and what they’ve done for you, what they show you, how they act, how they speak, how they smile, how they behave, and make that the main focus instead of adhering to the pressures of a conventional relationship. Apparently, none of this is conventional. It’s a realization that comes later—that the true priority should be being in a relationship, where care and mutual connection come first, not just something to show off to the world or use to escape loneliness.

But what do I know, I have so much yet to live and experience. We are a misunderstood group of people, with ideals that reject societal norms at the end of the day. Maybe someday we will all come into agreements and drop the weapons for once and for all and let our feelings drive the world for the people we hold close to, and not exploit them for our own personal gain.